- Okay, okay, I understand that there are some things that money can’t buy.
- Right. I’m good with that. Like the Beatles, “Money can’t buy me love.”
[chuckles in room]
- But “for everything else, there’s MasterCard”?!?
- I’m not comfortable with “everything.” That’s the very definition of overly broad.
- You know, like we just said, “Can’t buy me love.”
[chortles throughout room again]
- “Oh, boy, must be Friday.”
- “But that’s ‘Money can’t buy me love’; not ‘MasterCard can’t buy me love.’”
- But c’mon, MasterCard is basically a form of money. You exchange it for goods and services, right?
- Well, yes, but we were playing on the times when you can’t use money–like shopping online, getting concert tickets right away, finding just the right Christmas present for your kid when you have no cash…
- Let me stop you right there. Those are specific instances of things that money–defined as currency–can’t buy.
- Yeah, let me ask you a question. When the Fed increases the money supply, are they really simply running the printing presses overtime? Doesn’t it really deal with debt and credit obligations?
- Well…um…I see your point, but you know, when you see that perfect present for your kid or your girlfriend, you’re out of cash, the bank is 10 miles away, that’s when…
- That’s not “everything.” That’s one specific thing. One very specific thing.
- Okay, let’s backtrack. Is everyone okay with “There are some things that money can’t buy”?
- Yep.
- Me too.
- No problems with that. Cultural cliché, but absolutely factual.
- And “there’s MasterCard”? That’s okay, right?
- Well, you’re making the statement that MasterCard exists.
- Can’t argue with that.
- Got mine right here. (taps on it to show it’s real, smiles)
[chortles, giggles in room]
- But is it “for everything else”?
- I see 3 buckets of issues with that: things that are impossible to buy, things that you simply cannot buy, and abstract things.
- I’m not quite following.
- Okay, say you want to buy Mars. That’s just impossible.
- Oh, I get it! Or you want to buy the entire world oxygen supply! Like something from an old Bond movie. Impossible.
- Okay, so those are out.
- On the other hand, say you want to buy Wrigley Field. You just can’t. It’s not out of the realm of possibility, but I can’t think of many scenarios where it will happen.
- Yeah, I can’t even put a car on my MasterCard!
- Oh, I didn’t even think about that! The spending limit! How many people’s credit limits will accommodate a car, let alone a baseball stadium?
- I think you can use an Amex black card to buy a baseball stadium. (snickers)
[hushed silence in room]
- Ahem. That’s right. We didn’t even mention spending limits. With these new onerous financial regs, can we really be out there telling people that MasterCard is for “everything else,” when we just sent them 10 pages of explanation on what happens when they go over their spending limit? Hell, half of them WANT us to cut them off at the limit rather than pay a fee!
- Can you imagine? You’re in a restaurant with someone you want to impress, and your card comes back denied?
- Youch! Thank you nanny state! Thank you, new finregs! And the customers and politicians will still blame us.
- Okay. Back to the issue at hand. We’ve got impossible, can’t do it, and over credit limit.
- What about abstract?
- Back to the beginning of this conversation! Love! Money can’t buy it. Can you buy it with MasterCard?
- Well…
- And diamonds or hookers don’t count. That’s not love. That’s diamonds or hookers.
- Then nevermind…
- Peace of mind?
- Where do you buy peace of mind? What does it look like? What aisle is it in? Is it like, “Clean-up in aisle 7! Peace of mind all over the floor!!”?
- Hmmm…
- Can you buy tolerance, sunshine, a wonderful day, a child’s smile, a happy coincidence…
- Okay, I get it.
- Can you see why I’m not comfortable?
- Yep, I can see that. So where did we land?
- How about “There are some things money can’t buy.”
- Yep.
- Not finished yet.
- Oh. Sorry.
- “There are some things money can’t buy. For things that are are not out of the realm of possibility to buy, things that are for sale and can be purchased, things that are not over your credit limit unless you specifically authorized us to allow you to go above your credit ceiling and accept the fee, and things that are not abstract entities incapable of acquisition through any sort of fiduciary transaction, there’s MasterCard!!”
- Agency, got that?
- Rolls right off the tongue…
- What was that?
- Nothing. Nothing. Now can you repeat that, so I can make sure we’ve got it?
